what if i actually updated this tumblr.
um. okay. personal shit. i’ve long since accepted that i’m not 100% female and am, as i’ve liked to say, “vaguely female-ish”. but i’ve recently gone further than that and started dressing, as much as i can without making any drastic changes, mostly male-ish. i’ve always felt that i was more a “male dressed up as a female” than a “pure-blooded” female. i love wearing skirts, but putting on makeup is a relatively new concept to me.
i haven’t gone very far to explain this to my family. i’m wary, to say the least. i’ve expressed my desire to shave my hair off this summer, to loud protests that it wouldn’t be “accepted”. as someone who’s still unemployed, as well as living at the mercy of their family in a relatively conservative area, this has to be taken into consideration more than usual. my aunt, who’s the most accepting person from the “older generation” that i know without actually being trans* herself, even voices this concern. and i know it’s with all the best intentions, when it comes to her. finding a job is hard enough as it is, why make it even harder?
another factor is that i am 100% reliant upon my family for where i live. i am entirely reliant upon my mother’s extremely catholic family, who own the property i live on. i’ve seen enough, and heard enough of her words, to know that my mom will love me no matter what, but it’s not entirely up to her. i have my house based on the good graces of my uncles. only a third of this is dependent upon my mom. and, let’s be honest here, my mother is not even a third as religious as my uncles are. they may decide to cast me out if they learn the whole truth. i don’t think my one uncle, my godfather, would do that, but i wouldn’t put it past my other uncle. but i’ve been unemployed for almost a year now and cannot afford to give up this house [which, for all other problems, has been a godsend in a time when i had resigned myself to being homeless and losing everything i loved in the world]. sure, i always have my mom’s house to move back into but the job/transportation options would be even more limited [and, as i’ve learned, they’re already severely limited for someone without a car in this area] and i’d have to give up 2, probably 3, of my cats. there’s a possibility that i’d be able to keep 3 but… they’re my family, the ones who love me no matter what, who i fought everything for in chicago. i can’t just decide that two can be given up for my personal comfort. i can’t.
so i’m resigned to living a lie, as i feel it at the moment. i honestly can’t jeopardize my living space, not after i was days away from being homeless in chicago and was given this amazing house to life in. i hate that my family can be so close-minded, but it’s what i was given to deal with. i’ve dealt with it so far [i never told them that i like females, or that i worked in an abortion clinic, or protested against the March For Life] and this is just one more thing I have to deal with. But it’s so much more than that. People who have known me for so long might still be unsure, not know how to deal with this. I’m extremely hesitant to tell my closest friends. I don’t know. And yet, I know that it’s something I’ve been inching towards for a very, very long time.
so. yeah. here’s my personal update. woooo life. or something.